


Where The Heart Is

by HyperKid



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Caleb wants to leave, Content Warning: dissociation, Content Warning: thoughts of suicide, Cuddle Pile, Hurt/Comfort, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, cleric interventions, of course we love you, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 15:36:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17531465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyperKid/pseuds/HyperKid
Summary: MILD SPOILERS FOR 48Caleb can’t bear facing questions about his past in the morning, so he tries to slip away. But Caduceus is no fool and the Nein will do anything to keep their wizard safe.





	Where The Heart Is

**Author's Note:**

> HK: AND ONE MORE TIME: SPOILERS FOR 48!   
> Mollymauk: *checks his watch* you’re running close to the deadline.   
> HK: Who gave you a watch?   
> Mollymauk: “Gave” is a nice word for it.   
> HK: ... Nope, I’m not asking. *ahem* This piece got a little rushed out due to SCREAMING ONLINE and needing some soft cuddles and reassurances before the cast destroy all our souls.   
> Mollymauk: You should all be used to it by now. I think they’re getting competetive.   
> HK: It’d explain some things... I even watched 48 on Youtube to have extra time for writing!   
> Mollymauk: Sick of living in the past?   
> HK: Needing some hugs for a squishy wizard. This one’s dedicated to my Caleb (of course) and @valgeristik_art on twitter who got me through a block!
> 
> WARNINGS!! Caleb is the angstiest sad boy, suicidal thoughts, dissociation 
> 
> Disclaimer: nothing is mine, all is woe, I’m never going for the YouTube download again

It was a dark night, made perhaps blacker still by Caleb’s mood. All they’d seen that day was weighing on his mind and in his heart. It was his fault. His burden. And the longer he stayed with these people, the more danger they would be in. 

 

He knew they wouldn’t let him take watch alone. Beau was twitchy enough already, worry obvious in her eyes. She’d sit watch with him. Try to talk to him. 

 

 

But Caleb didn’t need to talk. He knew now that the only thing he could bring to anyone was pain, and death. That his very existence was because of Trent Ikithon’s plan, that he was a tool as much as the dodecahedron. 

 

 

Caleb trusted the Mighty Nein to make sure the dodecahedron stayed hidden. Especially if they no longer ran the risk of travelling with him. That left only one more thing to remove from the plan. 

 

 

With his transmutation stone heightening his vision, he slipped away into the darkness. The world would surely be better off without him. The sounds of the campfire faded surprisingly quickly in the darkness. 

 

 

“Going somewhere, Mr Caleb?” The calm, cool voice almost made Caleb jump out of his skin. He whipped around, enhanced eyes fixing on the familiar tall, lean shape of Caduceus leaned against a tree. 

 

 

He swallowed, doing his best to sound normal. 

 

 

“No, I... I just... I wanted to use the bathroom.” His voice sounded harsh and unnatural even to his own ears. Not exactly surprising that the ever perceptive Mr Clay was not remotely fooled. 

 

 

“You’ve come a long way for that,” the firbolg commented neutrally, moving closer. Caleb was abruptly reminded that his night vision was no better than a human’s; he almost certainly couldn’t see Caleb’s face. 

 

 

It didn’t seem to make any difference. 

 

 

“I wanted some privacy,” the wizard snapped, temper rising on a wave of cloying despair. He couldn’t stop, not now, not when he finally had the courage to do what he’d always known needed to be done. 

 

 

Caduceus remained unmoved, peering through the dark towards him. 

 

 

“Would you like to talk about it? Or at least give me something to tell the others when they ask where you’ve gone?” His voice was as calm as ever, as if they were discussing nothing but the breeze. 

 

 

Caleb flinched at the reminder of what he’d left behind. For a moment, he considered insisting that nothing was wrong. Returning to the camp, waiting for the firbolg to fall asleep. But he wasn’t sure he could do this again, taking this walk through the dark. Not alone. 

 

 

“They will not worry about me,” he said instead, willing it to be true. Both of Caduceus’ eyebrows rose in surprise. 

 

 

“Do you really believe that?” 

 

 

Again, Caleb’s treacherous mind strayed back to the campsite. Beau’s irritating, stubborn, stupid, endearing belief that together they could see anything through. Yasha’s quiet concern, her searching eyes that seemed to recognize his sadness. Fjord’s shy smiles, his attempts to step back now that the group were on dry land. Jester’s worried glances and twisting fingers. Nott.... 

 

 

Nott. 

 

 

Caleb flinched again, stepping back and away from Caduceus. 

 

 

“No,” he admitted in a whisper, “but they should not. They are all in danger as long as we travel together.” Let Caduceus believe he just meant to leave. That their paths might cross again. He could see the firbolg frowning, trying to understand what was going on. 

 

 

It could be strange to watch, that confident and easy insight running into one of the gaping holes in Caduceus’ experience. Sometimes Caleb forgot how naive he could be. Sometimes he overdepended on it. 

 

 

“You believe you, not the dodecahedron, will bring danger to us?” 

 

 

For a moment, Caleb cursed his decision not to bring the bag with him. But getting Jester’s haversack from her would be dangerous, and where he was going he couldn’t have protected it. Still he felt the loss of it as a shield against the firbolg’s sharp mind. 

 

 

“Yes.” With the word, all his resolve seemed to leave his body. Caleb sagged, shoulders slumping as the weight of his past pressed down, crushing him. It was all he could manage to raise his gaze to Caduceus’ face. “Did you not hear Nott today?” 

 

 

Some desperate part of him hoped Caduceus hadn’t, that any of them might not have heard. Might not now have questions that would lead them to his deepest of secrets. It could be for the best, the black and vicious part of his mind hissed. 

 

 

None of them would miss him if they knew what he was. 

 

 

Caduceus considered the question, thinking back to what had happened earlier that day. He, Fjord, Yasha, and Jester had all been confused, aware of a missing truth the other three all seemed to know. This was clearly no time for indelicate questions, however. 

 

 

When he spoke, he chose his words carefully. 

 

 

“I did, Mr Caleb. Can I assume it means that someone dangerous is hunting for you?” 

 

 

Caleb nodded, his gut twisting in a combination of anticipation and relief. He hated what a coward he was but couldn’t help being grateful that Caduceus wasn’t making him say it. 

 

 

“And you believe that if they know you care about us, they will hurt us to hurt you?” 

 

 

“Kill you,” Caleb whispered, staring at the ground. “Kill you all, just because I...” the word stuck in his throat. He had enough trouble thinking the word himself in the soft, happy times. To say it now... no. Caduceus’ next words stopped the thought cold. 

 

 

“But if they know where you are, they must already know you’re with us. If you’re gone, who’s going to tell us who to watch out for?” 

 

 

Ice flooded his veins, terror twisting every muscle into knots. If Trent knew... if he knew... Caleb being dead wouldn’t stop him. Not so long as Jester had the beacon. Not so long as any of them knew anything about his precious project. 

 

His hands began to shake, his vision blurring. He had to go, to get away, to be far enough away that his friends would be safe. 

 

 

But there was nowhere in the world that would be safe. Even the other planes weren’t out of reach for Trent. And Caduceus was right. 

 

 

Caleb being gone wouldn’t protect anyone. They already knew far too much. And if he ran and revealed himself, or set up a distraction, how easily could Trent scoop the Nein into his trap? 

 

 

Only Beau and Nott would even begin to suspect him, and neither had any real protection from magic. Hell, Trent would probably enjoy their efforts to keep the others away. Would enjoy using their friends to break them down. 

 

 

To break him down. 

 

 

He was only dimly aware of his knees hitting the ground, cold, wet earth sinking through his trousers. The world had receded through a cloud of fog. He didn’t hear Caduceus running over, didn’t feel the large, warm hand on his shoulder. 

 

 

Nothing. There was nothing he could do against Trent, just like always. And in his cowardice, he had nearly abandoned his friends to walk into that trap without him. 

 

 

Caduceus shook the unresisting wizard gently, catching him as he went to topple forward. Caleb was a dead weight in his arms, trembling uncontrollably. Not exactly what he had been hoping for, but also not unexpected. 

 

 

Carefully he stooped, lifting Caleb gently into his arms and turning back towards their camp. An Empire winter was no place to be out at night, and he’d need a little help settling Caleb down. He sent one of his beetles on ahead to wake Jester; they’d come quite a distance, and he might need some help to carry Caleb back. 

 

 

“Come on, Mr Caleb,” he murmured softly, tucking the wizard’s head under his chin, “I’m going to take you back to camp now, if that’s okay with you?” He paused to allow Caleb a chance to speak, not expecting a reply. He didn’t get one. 

 

 

He was just beginning to feel the weight of his companion when he caught sight of the campfire. Jester, on watch, was looking anxiously through the darkness. Catching sight of them almost at once, she gasped and ran into the dark towards them. Only a quick, jerky gesture from Caduceus kept her from shouting. 

 

 

“Caduceus!” She hissed, catching his arms and turning Caleb’s face to examine him closely. Every movement was sharp and jerky, barely concealed panic keeping her raw. “Are you okay? Did something happen? Did someone try to take Caleb?” 

 

 

Both her hands lit with a familiar faint glow, patting over both of them with healing spells that fizzled without a wound to fix. 

 

 

“I thought you guys were just off talking but then your bug came and it bit me and I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know where you were and I couldn’t see you and then...” she was babbling, her breath coming faster and faster. 

 

 

Not sure how to calm her down and beginning to lose his grip, Caduceus slipped Caleb into her arms, hoping that would at least still her. It seemed to work at least a little as she took his weight easily, burying her face in his hair. 

 

 

“Hey.” Caduceus ran a slow hand through her hair, wrapping his other arm around her shoulders. “We’re okay. Well, I’m okay. Mr Caleb could use some calm right about now.” 

 

 

Jester nodded, not lifting her face from Caleb’s hair. It was only then that Caduceus realized what a fright he must have given her; what had happened the last time someone disappeared in the night. 

 

 

“‘M sorry, Caleb,” she muttered, taking a deep breath and giving him another squeeze, “do you want to go sit by the fire or would you like to stay out here?” 

 

 

Caleb shifted a little, the sudden onslaught of touch and noise pushing at the fog in his head. He pushed back a little, one word getting through. He shook his head slowly. 

 

 

“No fire.” Not right now. Not with the taste of ash in his mouth and Trent in his head and the realization of what he’d nearly done so close to the surface. 

 

 

Jester nodded, gnawing at her lower lip and glancing around. 

 

 

“Okay... it’s still really cold though, so is it alright if we go sit on the cart? It’s not near the fire but there’s blankets and we can sit off the ground and warm you up? And Caduceus can go and wake Beau up so she can keep an eye on the others.” 

 

She looked up at the other cleric and Caduceus smiled, nodding and heading back to the fire. 

 

He didn’t have as much experience with Caleb’s episodes as the others, but he knew the basics and was happy to have a little help. 

 

Caleb frowned, brows furrowing almost comically slowly. Here... or the cart. It was hard to bring himself to care. He knew what Jester was doing; give him choices, gently working his way back. He didn’t want to come back yet. He nodded anyway, because he knew it would make her smile. 

 

As expected, she beamed delightedly and made her way around the clearing to their cart, keeping Caleb’s head turned away from the fire. It was a little thing, but made Caleb want to cry. He didn’t deserve this much care. 

 

Once they reached the cart Jester paused, frowning thoughtfully at their packs and supplies. 

 

“Do you think you could eat something if I got it ready for you?” She asked, carefully clambering into the cart without putting him down. Her tail was already nudging through bags for any spare blankets that hadn’t been brought to the fire already. 

 

When she got no response again she sighed softly, shaking her head. 

 

“Right, sorry Caleb. Too abstract. How about a little water?” With a slight grunt she settled them both down against one of the walls of the cart, hooking a water skin with her tail. A quick frown crossed her face. “Do you want to sit on the cart or in my lap?” 

 

It was too many questions, too quickly, but then Jester was a bit much at the best of times. Caleb curled his hands slowly around the water skin, running his thumbs over the rough surface. He couldn’t imagine any of the others would be any better tonight. Well. Except Caduceus. 

 

Jester waited a while for an answer, then carefully set him to sit beside her on the cart. Caduceus arrived back with four blankets and a slight smile, climbing up into the cart. 

 

“Beau’s up,” he told Jester in a low voice, “and she knows where we are. I told her you were feeling a little shaky and Caleb was comforting you.” 

 

Jester nodded and Caleb felt an uncomfortable twinge of gratitude. It made him want to throw up, and he took a slow sip of water against the feeling. 

 

Beau knew what was wrong. She would probably work out what was actually going on. There was no actual need to lie to her (though how much of a lie was it? Jester was still visibly upset) but they had, without being asked, to make him more comfortable. 

 

He knew how Caduceus felt about lying. How could they care so much? How could they care so much _about him_? 

 

Jester nodded happily, taking a couple of the blankets and draping them around Caleb one by one. 

 

“Thank you Cad! Now you come and wrap up warm too, it’s cold out.” She pointed imperiously to a spot in front of both her and Caleb. The wizard noticed she’d left him an empty path off the cart if he needed it. 

 

Molly had always made sure he had an escape route. 

 

Tears welled in his eyes and he forced himself to focus on the water skin. His hands found the top and opened it automatically, popping the cork in and out a few times. It was a little thing, a repetitive motion that helped to soothe him. 

 

Jester and Caduceus exchanged a few quiet comments that he missed, both watching him worriedly. Blue fingers curled gently around his wrist and he followed them up to purple eyes. 

 

“Caleb,” Jester said softly, leaning in a little to prolong eye contact, “you know that we love you very much, don’t you?” 

 

The question stung like a reproach and Caleb leaned back a little, but couldn’t look away. Jester swallowed and kept going, keeping her voice low and quiet. 

 

“And you know that no matter what, we want you to be safe? Even if that means...” she paused, glancing over at Caduceus for support. The firbolg smiled softly, resting one of his own hands on his knee, palm up. There if Caleb wanted to take it. 

 

“Even if it means we all leave the Empire tomorrow. There’s plenty of places we can go to be far away from here.” 

 

“And we don’t need to go back on a boat,” Jester added quickly. “We could go up the coast over land, and see Port Dimali, or go across the mountains to Whitestone, or...” she trailed off, frowning, “that’s actually all the places I know.” 

 

“That could make exploring more interesting,” Caduceus pointed out thoughtfully. 

 

Caleb frowned, trying to work out what they were talking about. It was hard with the fog filling his head. When it clicked, his hands began to shake again. 

 

They thought he was leaving because something in the Empire scared him. They weren’t exactly wrong, and he could see how. He’d pushed Jester to stay in Nicodranas, prolonging their return. And now here he was, slipping off in the night. 

 

Stuffing the top back into the water skin he reached out, twining his fingers through Caduceus’ soft grey ones. Turned his other hand in Jester’s grip so he could clutch at her wrist. 

 

They didn’t even know who he fucking was. But they’d change all their plans, on a fucking dime, if he so much as asked. 

 

He could feel the darkness yawning, the void waiting to suck him back in and trap him for another eleven years. But this time, now there were people with him. He clung to them, to their warmth and life. 

 

Jester and Caduceus exchanged worried glances as Caleb began to shake again, grasping their hands like he would fall if they let go. Jester caught his hand up in both of hers, her knuckles white as she squeezed back. 

 

“It’s okay,” Caduceus said slowly, covering Caleb’s hand over as well, “we’re here. We’ve got you.” 

 

A low whimper came from the wizard’s chest. Jester shifted up onto her knees, bouncing in place with the need to move. To do something, to fight something. To make things better. 

 

A gentle breeze shifted her hair at the same time as an unseen hand squeezed her shoulder and she stilled, glancing around. 

 

“Traveler?” There was no verbal response, just another gentle touch to her cheek but she stilled anyway. Just knowing that the Traveler was with her helped. He always knew what to do. 

 

And perhaps that was all Caleb needed. 

 

Caduceus was watching her curiously now, his hand moving in a slow rhythm over Caleb’s. 

 

“Did he have an idea?” He asked softly. Jester shook her head, pulling out a little smile. 

 

“No. Just to remind me of things I already knew.” She ran her thumbs over the back of Caleb’s hand and grinned suddenly. “Like that you’re usually right.” 

 

Still a little confused, Caduceus returned her smile, and turned his attention back to Caleb. He was still holding on tightly to both their hands, but his breathing had steadied a little. One finger moved jerkily, brushing through Caduceus’ fur. 

 

Caleb couldn’t quite hear what they were saying, but hearing them talk helped. Their voices washed around him like the ocean’s waves, meaningless but consistent. The soft, short fur of Caduceus’ hand and the constrast with Jester’s smooth skin gave him something to focus on. 

 

He moved his fingers slowly, one hand at a time. It meant loosening his grip, but they were holding onto him now too. They wouldn’t let him go. 

 

One brush through soft fur. One over warm skin. Dimly he realized they’d stopped talking, both watching him again. He swallowed slowly, closing his eyes for a moment to focus. 

 

“Please...” his voice sounded harsh, like he’d been screaming. He didn’t think he’d screamed. He swallowed and tried again. “Talk to me?” 

 

“What would you like us to say?” Jester asked at once, giving his hand a quick squeeze. Caleb shook his head, not ready for more words yet. The two clerics exchanged a look and Caduceus smiled softly. 

 

“Well, since you know we’re not going anywhere,” there was a gentle reprimand in the statement but Caleb ignored it, “how about Jester reads you a story?” 

 

“I don’t have my bag,” the tiefling pointed out sadly, her grip tightening on Caleb’s hand at the thought of moving. He returned it a moment later, catching the implication. 

 

Caduceus shook his head slowly, watching them both. 

 

“Well, I could tell you both about some of the people I met at the Blooming Grove? Some of the families there had very messy histories.” Two pairs of inhuman eyes turned to Caleb again and he shrugged. It didn’t matter what they talked about, as long as they talked. 

 

Caduceus smiled and nodded, shifting closer until his knees brushed Caleb’s. 

 

“Alright. Let me know if you need me to pause for a drink or anything.” 

 

He began to talk, his slow, calm voice rolling through the space around them. Caleb didn’t bother trying to listen yet; he was still a little hazy. But he heard Jester’s gasps, giggles, and exclamations. 

 

It sounded like any other conversation, on any other day. Like things were normal. Like he wasn’t falling apart between them. 

 

He focused on their hands, both still held between his. Soft, smooth. Working his way back slowly, a little bit at a time. 

 

Eventually he became aware that the stories had stopped, his hands slipping down to rest in his lap as he looked up at his friends. They were watching him again. 

 

 

 

 

“Do you want us to help you clean up a bit?” Jester asked softly, reaching up towards Caleb’s cheek. He jerked away, shaking his head sharply. 

 

 

“No. It is... safer if I am harder to recognize.” Even such a nonspecific detail felt like it was being wrenched out of him now that he was back in the world. He fully expected her to ask why, to ask who would recognize him, and what he was hiding from. When she simply nodded, her hand slipping into his once more, he could have cried. 

 

 

“Alright. I could also cast Disguise Person for you, if you would like?” She offered, then frowned, worrying her lower lip. “It only lasts an hour though... oh! We could borrow Fjord’s Mask of Many Faces? That lasts forever I think, and we wouldn’t have to worry about it wearing off somewhere people could see.” 

 

 

She seemed so happy to have come up with an idea, moving immediately to finding a solution no matter the problem. Caleb swallowed and glanced at Caduceus. The other cleric gave him an encouraging smile. 

 

 

“I don’t... I would not want to trouble Fjord,” he said softly, gaze falling to where blue fingers twined through his own. Streaks of ash and grime already covering her skin. The way his taint would cover her life. At least they were harder to see on Caduceus’ fur. 

 

Strong fingers squeezed his, snapping him out of the thought along with a distinct harrumph. 

 

 

“We just spent like, two months fucking about at sea for Fjord, he can lend us his mask for a while. I don’t think he’s going to ask questions, he clearly had it for a reason in the first place anyway.” 

 

 

Sometimes Caleb forgot how incisive Jester could be. Like Caduceus, her naivety covered a quick mind, and she had had months now to learn how his mind worked. Catching his stunned gaze, she gave him a shy little smile very like her mother’s. 

 

 

“I can ask him if you want me to?” She offered softly. Unable to meet her eyes, Caleb stared at their hands once more. How quickly, how effortlessly she offered anything they had to help him, without even considering the risks, terrified him. 

 

 

But Caduceus had been right; without him to warn her, Trent would use that giving heart to tear her apart. She gave his hand another gentle squeeze, expression softening to worry again. He threw together some words quickly to distract her. A joke. Make a joke. 

 

 

“Are you so desperate to have me take a bath already?” He tried to tease, a hollow smile on his lips. Jester sighed dramatically, leaning in against his side in a way that told him it had at least partially worked. 

 

 

“Cay-leeeeeb, I don’t care how dirty you are if it makes you feel safer.” She leaned up, cupping his chin and turning his face to press a soft kiss to his lips. “See?” 

 

 

It was such a small gesture, something that should have been simple. Jester was always exuberantly affectionate, with grand gestures and tight hugs. She’d kissed him half a thousand times by now. 

 

 

This was the first that made his shoulders shake, tears welling in his eyes. 

 

 

He would have left her. Walked away into the night and left a cold body for her to find. Even knowing all the reasons why she shouldn’t, why she couldn’t be allowed to care, he couldn’t deny that she did. And it was immediate now, here, holding his hand and warm at his side in a way the other Nein weren’t as they slept. 

 

Gods, he was terrified of her learning who he was. More than the others, he couldn’t stand the thought of Jester looking at him like the monster he was. Beau had taken things well, Nott knew he was a monster already, but Jester... 

 

She was sweet, and warm, and innocent, and wore her heart on her sleeve. She wouldn’t hide how she felt when she knew. 

 

 

Jester made a soft, distressed sound as the first tear slid from his eyes, sliding into his lap and nuzzling her face against his, ignoring the dirt now streaking his cheeks. Shaking, Caleb’s hands came up to wrap around her, warm and solid and alive and she pressed a dozen butterfly kisses all over his face like she could take his pain away. 

 

 

He couldn’t look up, couldn’t see through the haze of tears, but he heard the gentle shift before Caduceus’ weight settled at his back. The firbolg’s large hands guided Caleb in to settle against his chest, Jester following to seal him in between them. Protected by two circles of arms. 

 

He would have betrayed this. This effortless, giving, warm love. If Caduceus hadn’t caught him... he would never have seen the firbolg again either. Couldn’t have thanked him for everything he did for them all. 

 

Couldn’t have had another evening of peace with the large man sprawled beside him, both of them reading. Couldn’t help him with the more difficult words. Couldn’t hold up one of his new cookbooks while he cooked, helping him check the recipe. 

 

Couldn’t have apologized to Beau for their last fight. Gods, if that had been their last conversation... it was such a stupid argument. Not worth her wondering if it had been her fault. 

 

Caleb cut that train of thought off there, curling back into Caduceus, pulling Jester close to hide his face in her neck. He would have left them all. That was bad enough without looking at every way. 

 

But if he was staying... 

 

When it felt like he had no tears left to cry, and he was sure that Caduceus’ arms must have fallen asleep, Caleb forced himself to sit up. The two clerics moved with him easily, shuffling until they could all sit up to talk without exactly losing contact. 

 

Caleb found himself tucked in between them, his back still to the campfire and a hand from each back in his own. Part of him wished his face was still hidden in Jester’s hair. 

 

But now was as good a time as any. He was emotionally exhausted, numb, and wanted more than anything to sleep. At least the questions couldn’t hurt. 

 

“I suppose now you will want to know everything?” He asked quietly, eyes on his hands. On blue and grey, streaked with ash and twined with his. 

 

Over his head, Jester and Caduceus exchanged another worried look. 

 

“Not if you don’t want to,” Caduceus said slowly, his large hand easily swallowing Caleb’s for a squeeze. Caleb shot him a disbelieving look from under his lashes. 

 

“No? You think it’s normal to just... to... to collapse like this?” It came out harsher than he had intended, shaking with tears he hadn’t thought he still had. Jester made a soft noise beside him, brushing her fingers through his hair. 

 

“Caleb... we’re not going to make you tell us anything. And you’re not exactly asking the right people about normal,” she added in a lightly teasing tone, “I’ve never been outside before and Caduceus is only just learning about the world outside his grove! We wouldn’t know either way!” 

 

“She thought Twiggy was normal,” Caduceus added with a dramatic shake of his head that made Caleb’s lips twitch. Jester huffed and stuck her tongue out at him. 

 

“Twiggy was normal! She’s just like me!” 

 

“I rest my case.” 

 

It took a little while for their words to really sink in. Not just the jokes, but all the rest too. They weren’t going to ask him. They didn’t care. They should. They fucking should. 

 

He had walked into the dark to kill himself so he wouldn’t have to live through them knowing and they weren’t even going to ask. 

 

It couldn’t be real. 

 

“Fjord...” he groaned softly at how raspy his voice was, and the water skin was pushed gently into his hands. He still didn’t want to break contact, but he took a drink anyway. His whole body seemed to come alive again at the cool water. 

 

“Fjord and Yasha will want to know,” he managed on the second attempt. The clerics exchanged another look, noting Beau wasn’t mentioned. Jester swallowed. 

 

“If it helps... I don’t think Yasha really does. She’s not around a whole lot but if we ask questions about you she’ll think we’ll ask them about her. And then she’ll leave.” She leaned a little more of her weight into him, unable to take his hand while he held the skin. 

 

The words “And won’t come back” hung in the air like a weight. 

 

Caduceus cleared his throat. 

 

“I don’t think Fjord will want to push you either, Mr Caleb. We’ve all seen you have... episodes before.” 

 

“If you want to tell us you can,” Jester added quickly, turning to look up at him, “but only if you really want to.” 

 

Caleb twisted, staring from one to the other of them as though he could see their thoughts through their faces. He knew about Yasha, of course. 

 

The same code that had bound them all together in the beginning; don’t ask, don’t tell. He knew that himself, Beau, Yasha, and Nott at least were all tied under the same assumption. But Nott’s past had come knocking in a violent way, and dragged Trent along with it. 

 

How long could he keep things hidden? 

 

How could he face Nott? 

 

The water roiled in his gut, nausea hitting him like a cart at the mere thought. She was right, he knew it, the way he knew telling the Nein would be the end. It was all his fault. Of course he would have helped with dunamancy if he had stayed. 

 

He felt himself tugged sideways, into soft silk and a skinny, furred chest beneath. They had seen him slipping again, he knew it. Jester slipped into his lap again, her fingers twisting through his scarf. 

 

“We can help you, Caleb,” she whispered as one of Caduceus’ hands began slowly stroking his hair. “You don’t have to tell us anything. But if you need us to do something you just have to ask, okay? Just tell us what you need.” 

 

The wizard closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in. The ash scent was overpowered by Jester’s soft lavender perfume. It felt like his first clear breath in days. 

 

They weren’t asking. They wouldn’t make him explain. He could still be safe here. 

 

If only he could trust Nott again. 

 

A low creak drew all of their attention to the edge of the cart as Beau hauled herself up. She didn’t seem surprised to see them essentially in a pile at one end. 

 

“Fjord’s up,” she said gruffly, tossing her bedroll in along with theirs, “said he’d be okay to take the next watch alone. He’s getting everything together now.” 

 

“Why?” Jester asked curiously, not bothering to untangle herself from the cluster of limbs. Beau gave her a deadpan stare. 

 

“If we stick it all under the cart he can sit in here and keep watch just fine.” A brow rose slowly and she began stretching the bedrolls out side by side to make a large bed. “Or were you planning on coming out?” 

 

Jester gave a squeal of delight, catching herself and turning to Caleb with a worried little frown. 

 

“Is that okay, Caleb?” 

 

Caleb couldn’t tear his eyes from Beau. Couldn’t quite believe what she was offering. She was never one to initiate a hug. 

 

“Are you sure?” He asked, forcing himself not to look around. Not to look for Nott. Beau’s eyes darted for him towards the fire. She shrugged a little awkwardly. 

 

“I can get her if you like. Figured I’d ask.” She wasn’t sure if Caleb would want Nott around. Would exclude the little goblin if he said so. 

 

Guilt settled in Caleb’s chest like a lead ball. He should be the one excluded, pushed to the edge of the group. Nott was in pain, afraid, and she needed their help. She had done nothing wrong. Nothing like him. But here they were, grouping around him to protect him from her. 

 

“Please,” he whispered, his throat suddenly dry again. Jester twisted to look up at him in concern but as she’d promised, she didn’t ask. Beau just nodded, hopping off the side of the cart and going to gently shake the goblin awake. 

 

Caduceus cleared his throat and Caleb forced himself to look up. 

 

“Are you both going to be... alright?” The firbolg asked gently. Caleb managed a watery smile. 

 

“I know she is hurting.” Knew that was as much as he could tell them, without telling them everything. Couldn’t explain to Caduceus that he was wrong, Caleb wasn’t the solution, was never the solution. He was just a problem that could be turned on bigger problems. 

 

Caduceus didn’t look convinced, but Jester was already moving, going to finish Beau’s work of making a bed for them all. Her tail locked itself around Caleb’s ankle like a tether. Thinking of her as a balloon made him smile again. 

 

“We won’t have the tent,” she said in a businesslike manner, tossing pillows and cushions into a nestlike bed, “so we’re going to have to cuddle really close!” 

 

“I can cast the hut,” Caleb murmured, fingers moving automatically to his pockets. “In case it snows.” 

 

Jester sat back on her heels and examined her work as the cart creaked again, Fjord clambering up. The half orc stepped around the bed without comment, coming to sit beside Caleb, one hand dropping automatically to the wizard’s hair. 

 

The affectionate little gesture almost hurt. Caleb forced himself to focus on the spell. Caduceus let his arms fall to lie around Caleb’s waist as he lost himself in magic, watching Jester tear apart and remake the bed again. 

 

Beau returned, hefting Nott’s sleeping gear onto the cart and Jester squeaked happily, folding it into her work at once. The goblin herself followed, squinting through bleary eyes at the blue tiefling. She was clearly still drunk. 

 

“Beau said y’needed to cuddle,” she slurred sleepily, stumbling across Jester’s hard work and falling at her feet. Jester tutted over her and scooted her up carefully to have her head on a pillow. 

 

“I always need to cuddle, Nott. You get some sleep.” 

 

Nott pushed herself up on an elbow, squinting across to Caduceus, Caleb, and Fjord. 

 

“‘S everyone okay?” She muttered, her brows furrowing as she caught sight of them. “Caleb?” 

 

Jester stiffened momentarily, then tucked a blanket over Nott and kissed her temple. 

 

“He’s casting the hut for us,” she told Nott gently, “we should say thank you.” 

 

“Course he is,” Nott sighed, letting herself be pushed down to rest. “H’s a good boy. Always a good boy. Thank you, Caleb.” 

 

At the other end of the cart, Fjord grunted, his hand slipping to rest on Caleb’s back. 

 

“You’re both gonna need sleep,” he murmured to Caduceus, aware Caleb would be too deep in his spell to hear them, “I’ll take the last stretch as well.” 

 

“You need to sleep too, Mr Fjord,” the firbolg replied evenly. “We’ve all had shorter nights. Give me an extra hour and I can take the last shift.” 

 

“I’ll sit it with you!” Jester called happily, and Fjord growled at them both. 

 

“No! You two ain’t playing around unsupervised anymore. Not after the jungle.” Neither cleric could argue with that. Fjord gave them a pause to try, then nodded. “Beau’s only done an hour or so of this one, she can take last watch.” 

 

“Fuck you,” Beau called cheerfully, rolling herself into the bed and tugging Nott in, then sat up to look around. “Wait, where’s Yasha?” 

 

“Fighting with the tent,” Yasha’s soft voice came from the darkness just before the woman herself, tossing a bag under the cart before climbing up onto it. “I can take last watch,” she added, toeing off her boots before stepping into the group bed. 

 

“I’ll take it with you,” Beau agreed eagerly, shifting to _subtly_ indicate the amount of space behind her for cuddles. “Caduceus can sleep in.” 

 

“Most kind, Miss Beau,” Caduceus chuckled softly. Yasha wasn’t one to turn down the invitation, sliding into bed and throwing a powerful arm over both Beau and Nott. Jester tucked her in as well, then turned to Caduceus and Caleb. 

 

“Can we move him into bed while he keeps going or should we wait?” 

 

Fjord waved a hand at her. 

 

“You get to sleep, Jess, Cad and I can get Caleb into bed when he’s done.” 

 

The tiefling pouted but sighed, uncoiling her tail and flopping dramatically into the bed. 

 

“Okaaaaay. But I’ll be over here. Alone. No one cuddling me.” 

 

Yasha made a sleepy noise that was almost a laugh and rolled onto her front, tossing her other arm around Jester and pulling her in. 

 

“Quit your complaining, blueberry,” she murmured into Jester’s ear, “or I’ll wake you up when it’s my turn for watch.” Jester giggled, snuggling backwards into her to keep her eyes on the boys. 

 

“No you won’t. You love me too much.” 

 

Another sleepy noise that might have been agreement slipped from Yasha’s lips as her eyes slid closed. Jester twisted enough to press a kiss to her nose, then settled back down. 

 

At the other end of the cart, Fjord glanced at Caduceus, one hand moving slowly up and down Caleb’s back. 

 

“He okay?” He mouthed, nodding to the wizard between them. Caduceus smiled softly and shook his head. 

 

“He will be, I think,” he said slowly, his voice a little softer, “he was afraid we would ask questions.” 

 

Fjord was struck by the idea, frowning down at Caleb for a moment. 

 

“He thought it’d be bad enough that he’d have to leave?” 

 

Caduceus frowned as well, apparently weighing his answer. Then he met Fjord’s eye, and slowly shook his head. Not just leave. Fjord’s eyes widened, his grip tightening a little possessively on the back of Caleb’s coat. 

 

“Don’t tell Jester,” Caduceus murmured, leaning down to press his lips to Caleb’s hair. “We’ll keep an eye on him, and an eye out for trouble. Might need to change our plans a little in the morning.” 

 

Fjord nodded quickly, tugging Caleb in to lean against his side. A tiny noise of complaint, similar to Yasha’s sleepy agreement, left the wizard but nothing more. He was deep in focus for the spell. 

 

“That shouldn’t be a problem.” He paused, frowned thoughtfully. “Nott may need us to go to Xhorhas. We can stick to the south, out of trouble, and work our way around.” 

 

“We’ll work it out in the morning,” Caduceus agreed, stroking a hand through Caleb’s hair. “For now the important thing is that we get some sleep, and keep each other safe.” 

 

Fjord nodded with a soft sigh, resting his forehead against the side of Caleb’s head. He didn’t want to move away, even while the wizard was busy with a spell. Not when he still needed touch to remind him he belonged. 

 

“Dumbass,” he grumbled and pressed a kiss to Caleb’s cheek, “of course you can have your secrets. Just so long as we can keep you safe.” 

 

They fell into silence for a while, waiting out the twenty minutes of the spell. When the dome bloomed around them, held to the inner dimensions of the cart, Caleb blinked slowly. 

 

“Fjord?” He asked, turning to look up at the half orc. Fjord grinned back and nodded. 

 

“Yeah. I’m on watch now. You go get some sleep, okay? I’ve got you.” 

 

The wizard nodded slowly, looking around and pausing when he saw the pile of bodies. A weak, wavering smile crossed his face. Jester cracked an eye open, grinned, and held out her arms. Pausing only to let Caduceus help him tug off his boots, he crawled in. 

 

Yasha grumbled as his cold coat touched her hand, reaching over him and Jester to hug the pair of them. Caduceus nestled in behind him, bringing the last two blankets and throwing a long arm over all three. 

 

Jester pressed her forehead to Caleb’s, grinning. 

 

“Thank you for the hut,” she whispered. Caleb managed another weak smile. 

 

“Thank you for not asking questions.” 

**Author's Note:**

> HK: *flops in exhaustion* Okay... done. Now I can go back to writing happy things.   
> Mollymauk: Because this week’s episode is going to be all sunshine and light?   
> HK: ... Well since I’ve just doomed us all, on we go!


End file.
